Practice Self-Attunement Instead of Self-Love
You’ve Got to Love Yourself—But How?
What exactly is “love?” We often hear that love is a feeling, a verb, or an action. Yet it remains a subjective and sometimes elusive concept. Many of us try to capture it or figure it out, and we often struggle in the process—I certainly did. We’re told, “If you love yourself, everything will be great,” or “You’ll be able to find a wonderful relationship once you truly love yourself.”
However, I’d like to suggest a more concrete, structured alternative to “loving ourselves”: self-attunement. Unlike the somewhat vague idea of “self-love,” self-attunement is a process you can work toward with specific, tangible steps.
The Role of Attunement in Childhood
When you were a child, your caregivers had to look after your needs. This is different from simply being loved by your parents. A parent’s ability to attune to your emotional and physical needs is distinct from the love they feel for you. Parents can love their children deeply yet still struggle to meet certain needs. How effectively a parent meets those needs correlates strongly with a child’s attachment style: the more attuned the parent, the more secure the child tends to feel.
A Lens for Understanding Attunement: The Five Love Languages
A useful framework for exploring effective attunement is Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. According to Dr. Chapman, we each have preferred ways of showing love to others and feeling loved ourselves. For instance, one person may feel particularly cherished when someone does something helpful (an act of service), while another might feel most loved upon receiving a thoughtful gift.
Brief Overview of the Five Love Languages:
- Words of Affirmation – Expressing affection through spoken or written compliments, praise, or encouragement.
- Quality Time – Giving someone your undivided attention, engaging in meaningful conversations or activities together.
- Acts of Service – Doing helpful or considerate tasks for another person.
- Receiving Gifts – Offering or receiving meaningful, thoughtful presents that show you were thinking of the other person.
- Physical Touch – Communicating love through comforting or affectionate touch (e.g., hugs, holding hands).
When we apply these languages to parenting, a caregiver who can offer all five—praise, quality time, helpful actions, thoughtful gifts, and comforting touch—provides the most comprehensive attunement. This holistic approach helps a child feel deeply seen, heard, valued, and loved, ultimately fostering a strong sense of self-worth.
Moving Forward—It’s Not Too Late
If your parents couldn’t demonstrate all five languages, it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you; they may have lacked the capacity or knowledge to communicate love in those ways. You are not doomed by that gap in your early experiences. We all have the capacity to learn and apply these “languages” now—especially toward ourselves.
By practicing these love languages in relation to self-attunement, you can cultivate a deeper sense of self-worth:
- Spend quality time with yourself, nurturing your interests and well-being.
- Offer words of affirmation to yourself by celebrating your successes and reminding yourself of your strengths.
- Perform acts of service for yourself, like creating a cozy environment or taking care of tasks that reduce stress.
- Give yourself small gifts—they can be symbolic tokens that remind you of your growth or things that bring genuine joy.
- Provide comforting touch to yourself in ways that feel safe and soothing, such as a gentle hand on your heart or a relaxing massage.
Over time, these cumulative actions build genuine self-worth and a sense of feeling loved, from the inside out. In my future blog posts, I’ll discuss concrete steps to begin practicing self-attunement and how this concept can guide us in choosing partners who truly align with our emotional and relational needs.
Thank you for reading. Keep in mind that love doesn’t have to remain elusive. With a little structure and intentional practice, you can develop a profound sense of inner value, creating the foundation for healthier relationships and a happier life.
I am here to help you thrive in every relationship – starting with yourself.
Viktoria
