“I am utterly confused.” – my new client said to me in tears. 

This is one of the most covert tactics used by abusers, yet it is not often talked about or acknowledged. However, persistent confusion is often one of the earliest signs that something may be wrong in a relationship.

As a counsellor who works with narcissistic abuse recovery, I often hear from clients that one of the things consistently present in an abusive relationship is confusion.

This connects closely with my previous blog, “What is wrong with them?”

The inability to put the pieces together, the unpredictability, the constant second-guessing—these can become the very foundation of an abusive relationship. Always feeling on edge, always questioning yourself, always trying to figure the other person out can become a trap that is established very early in the relationship.

As the relationship progresses, that web of confusion can become increasingly elaborate until you feel completely entangled in it.

I also want to be clear that not all feelings of confusion in a relationship are the result of abuse or intentional manipulation.

Confusion can arise in any relationship because of miscommunication, because two people do not yet understand one another well in the early stages of dating, or because one or both people have a conflict-avoidant communication style.

What is different about confusion within an abusive dynamic is that there is often a pattern to it. It is persistent and recurring.

In a healthy relationship, confusion can usually be resolved through a clear, calm conversation. You ask a question, receive clarification, and come away feeling more settled.

In an abusive relationship, that resolution often does not happen. In fact, attempts to clarify what happened may leave you feeling even more confused.

Let’s look at how this can begin in the early stages of a relationship.

These experiences are often small and subtle. They easily fly under the radar, particularly because most of us naturally want to give the benefit of the doubt to someone we like.

For example, consider Sandy, who has been dating Nate for a couple of months.

Throughout that time, he has frequently complimented both her appearance and her personality. One day, she notices him openly scrolling through Instagram photos of other women and liking their pictures.

She asks him about it.

Nate responds:

“Yes, and what is wrong with that? I simply admire beauty, just like someone goes to a museum and admires beautiful paintings. Don’t you admire beauty? Don’t you notice beautiful people? Beautiful men?”

He says this casually and matter-of-factly.

Sandy is taken aback.

She says that yes, of course she admires beauty and she can also notice if someone is attractive.

But she is left with a strange feeling of confusion. On one hand, part of his argument makes sense to her. On the other hand, something about his behaviour does not feel right.

She cannot quite put into words why.

She simply feels off-centre & utterly confused. 

Or consider Jessica’s experience with Dan.

They are having a pleasant conversation, laughing and joking, when Jessica mentions that she is going out with her girlfriends that evening.

A few moments later, Dan says:

“You said you would get peanut butter for me so I could have a nice breakfast at your place.”

Jessica apologizes and says that she forgot, but that she will pick some up that afternoon.

That could have been the end of it.

Instead, Dan responds:

“You never think of me. I do so much for you and always make sure you have food you like at my place. I feel like you don’t care about me at all.”

Jessica begins to feel guilty and apologizes again.

But no matter how many times she apologizes, Dan continues producing more arguments for why she does not care about him.

Eventually, he becomes withdrawn, says he has to go, and ends the conversation.

Jessica is left in utter confusion.

They had been having such a nice time. They were laughing and joking. How did they suddenly end up here? What were they even arguing about?

She continues thinking about the interaction for the rest of the day, fluctuating between guilt and confusion.

She carries those feelings into her evening with her friends and finds herself unable to fully enjoy the outing.

In both of these examples, confusion is created on purpose.

When we feel deeply confused, our brain can become temporarily disoriented. We struggle to make clear sense of what just happened.

And that can leave us more vulnerable to influence and manipulation.

Confusion is also a tactic commonly used by scammers and others attempting to exploit people. For example, someone may rapidly ask multiple questions while simultaneously asking a person to hold objects, count money, remember instructions, or respond to changing information. The person’s cognitive capacity becomes overloaded, creating gaps in attention and making it more difficult to think clearly.

Confusion can also be increased by overwhelming someone with information when they are tired, thirsty, hungry, frightened, or emotionally activated.

The specific method may differ, but the outcome can be similar: reduced clarity, increased vulnerability, and greater suggestibility.

As an abusive relationship progresses, additional tactics may be introduced, such as gaslighting, triangulation, blame-shifting, or contradictory messages, all of which can intensify feelings of confusion and disorientation.

In contrast, a healthy relationship is one in which you predominantly feel safe, clear, and able to understand where you stand.

This does not mean healthy relationships are free from misunderstandings or conflict.

Of course they are not.

But when confusion does arise, it can generally be resolved through open communication.

You are able to ask questions.

You are able to express that something did not feel right.

And after the conversation, you usually have more clarity—not less.

Becoming aware that persistent confusion can sometimes be part of an abusive dynamic is important, particularly in the early stages of a relationship.

Here are a few simple ways to stay connected to your own experience:

1. Notice when confusion arises.
   Pay attention when you repeatedly leave interactions feeling confused, unsettled, or unsure of what just happened.
2. Notice what happens when you try to resolve it.
   Is the other person able to have a calm conversation with you? Do you feel clearer afterward? Or does attempting to clarify the situation leave you even more confused, guilty, or distressed?
3. Write it down.
   Keep a brief record of situations in which the feeling of confusion arises and whether the issue was easily resolved. Over time, this can help you notice whether there is a recurring pattern.

The goal is not to analyze every misunderstanding or become suspicious of every confusing interaction.

The goal is to begin taking your own internal experience seriously.

If you repeatedly find yourself thinking, “I don’t understand what just happened,” “Maybe I’m overreacting,” “Maybe it was my fault,” or “Why can’t I make sense of this?”—those feelings are worth paying attention to.

Confusion itself can be information.

And if you find yourself overwhelmed by confusion in a relationship and struggling to determine what is happening, therapy can provide a safe space to untangle those experiences, strengthen self-trust, and consider what you need moving forward.

As an abuse recovery counsellor, I offer individual sessions in my Nanaimo office and online throughout British Columbia.

I am here to help you thrive in every relationship – starting with yourself.  
Viktoria