Remember those days when you first started dating? Everything seemed so special. You surprised each other and cherished each other. Everything your partner did felt special, and you showed your thankfulness and gratitude in the way you looked at them or in what you said. Where have those moments gone?

As our relationships unfold, we tend to slip into routines, into habits, and one of these habits is taking what our partners do for granted. The very magic we experienced at the beginning—when we could clearly see how happy and satisfied we made each other—seems to have evaporated. Now, we might barely acknowledge that cup of coffee they lovingly made, or when they stepped in and picked up the kid from school. We fall into the trap of “this is how it’s supposed to be” or “I already do so much, this is nothing in comparison,” and it drains our relationship of wonder and surprise. By shifting into a mindset of taking what our partners do for granted, we forget that everything they do is by choice. Them being with us is a choice. Them making us coffee is a choice. Them picking up the kids is a choice. Once we lose sight of that, resentment can creep in.

Imagine you’ve been making coffee for your partner every morning because it feels good and you want to do it. Then you stop for a couple of days—maybe things got hectic. Your partner becomes upset and responds with anger, blame, or the silent treatment. When you return to making the morning coffee, you don’t feel the same joy; now it’s expected. It no longer feels like a choice, because you know your partner will be upset if you don’t do it. When we move from feeling that something is a choice to feeling like we’re just fulfilling another’s expectations, we lose the magic we had at the beginning.

I believe this also applies to taking care of the kids. Yes, your child is a shared responsibility, but if your partner steps in to help, he or she is still making a choice. They also have the choice not to do it (though that might make them a lousy parent). As long as they have that choice, they can feel they are genuinely helping—an experience many of us find bonding and connecting.

It’s time to bring back that magic through a practice I call “Gratitude to My Partner.” A simple step is to notice three things each day that your partner does to make your life easier, make your day smoother, or bring you joy. Perhaps they asked how you’re feeling or finally called the bank about a mortgage renewal, a call you had been putting off. Maybe they put the kids to bed. If you can catch these moments in real time, express your gratitude then and there by pausing, looking into your partner’s eyes, and saying something like, “I noticed you did ____ (picked up the kids, made me coffee). I really appreciate it because it made my day easier and made me happy. Thank you!”

If it’s hard to notice in the moment, you can still express gratitude later. At the end of the day, take a minute to ask yourself: “What has my partner done to make my life easier or more joyful today?” Name three things—no matter how small, like waking you up so you wouldn’t oversleep. Then share these three things with your partner in the way described above.

An added bonus of this regular practice is that it teaches your brain to notice all the good things happening in your relationship. We naturally have a negative bias—paying more attention to and remembering what goes wrong. This gratitude practice helps counterbalance that bias, letting you see all the wonderful things that happen on a daily basis.

With this “Gratitude to My Partner” practice in place, over time, you’ll see the magic of those early days in your relationship come back to life.

With gratitude to you for reading this post,
Viktoria